Dave Brandon's Dynamic List

Sportswritten, through either legal or illegal means, has obtained a copy of Michigan Athletic Director Dave Brandon's "dynamic list" of candidates. and oh, yes, it's dynamic. The following is copied from a piece of scratch paper written by Dave Brandon himself in macaroni & cheese color crayon. It is then written over in red crayon.

My Dynamic List of Candidates

Tier 1- The best of the best

Bill Belichick- numerous super bowls; coaches Tom Brady (note to self: ask if that makes him a Michigan man). DIDN'T RETURN MY PHONE CALLS.


John Harbaugh- Baltimore Ravens head coach, MICHIGAN MAN!!! DIDN'T RETURN PHONE CALLS.


Jim Harbaugh- made Stanford good, MICHIGAN MAN OMG!!! DIDN'T RETURN PHONE CALLS/ He did insult us anyway


Gerald Ford- MICHGAN MAN OMFG!!!!,  former President, MY SECRETARY INFORMED ME HE IS DEAD.


Les Miles- !!!!!!MICHIGAN!!!!!MAN!!!!!!, LSU head football coach. TOLD ME, "ITS WARM HERE" AND HUNG UP.


Bo Shembechler- THE MICHIGAN MAN!!!!, 13 Big Ten Championships, coached in the glory days. DAMN IT! WHY ARE THE BEST ONES DEAD!

Tier 2-I hope it doesn't come to this

Desmond Howard- MICHIGAN MAN, completely unproven coach, provides great breakdowns with Lee Corso and Kirk Herbstreit on College Gameday. DECLINED/ SAID HIS CURRENT JOB IS BETTER- NO PRESSURE OR SOME BULLSHIT LIKE THAT.

Chris Webber- MICHIGAN MAN, would provide better time management than Les Miles. LOCATION CURRENTLY UNKNOWN.

Dave Brandon- hiring myself would ease process, free Domino's Pizza for the team, I'm a Michigan Man by virtue of being the AD.  INTRODUCTORY PRESS CONFERENCE WOULD BE STRANGE.

Tier 3- Dear Lord, help us

Pat Fitzgerald- glorified cheerleader/"Northwestern 'football' coach", more spread offense... CONDITIONALLY ACCEPTED JOB PENDING A CHANGE FROM MAIZE AND BLUE TO MAIZE AND PURPLE. GUY REALLY LIKES PURPLE.

Mike Leach- locks kids in closets, ran an all-passing spread at TTU. STIPULATED A LOGO CHANGE FROM THE BLOCK M TO A PIRATE SHIP

Gary Patterson- coached at some division 3 school in Texas or something, I haven't really researched him yet. DECLINED, APPARENTLY HE THINKS HIS D3 SCHOOL IS BETTER THAN MICHIGAN! WHAT A JOKE!

Chris Petersen- coached at some division 2 team in Idaho. DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET AHOLD OF HIM/ DO THEY HAVE PHONES IN IDAHO?

Tier 4- If literally no one wants the job

Brady Hoke- well, I suppose he is a Michigan Man, having coached here under Lloyd Carr. He's the coach of San Diego State and has went 13-12 in two years there. If we really can't get anyone else, this is our guy.

It looks like Dave Brandon has a phone call to make