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Sunday, September 18, 2016

4th and Goal - College Football Week 3 Review Podcast

In which we review the 3rd week of college football.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Celebrations: A User's Guide

Are you a dominant world class athlete?  Do you ever win a tournament/championship/Super-Stanley-World-Bowl-Cup-Series and not know what to do next?  It can be hard to let out all the joy of winning gracefully, but fear not, for here is a step by step guide enumerating all the do’s and don’ts of how to celebrate your sport’s ultimate victory:


Moment of Victory:  When the last point is won, immediately release your racket, lose control of all motor skills, and fall to the ground screaming.  If you do it right, it should look like you just got shot in the neck.  Continue writhing on the ground uncontrollably for a few seconds, then immediately compose yourself to hug your opponent and shake the line judge’s hand.

Your Opponent:  After losing a championship match, your opponent is physically and emotionally exhausted.  This is the perfect moment to give him shit for all his double faults and mock his comically high-pitched grunts.  That being said, keep it to yourself.  It’s likely that he’s 5 years younger, and he’ll eventually crush you.

Postgame Interview:  You’re probably European, in which case, your broken english is adorable and great for ratings.  Don’t fight it.

Kissing The Trophy:  Treat it like a “you may kiss the bride” moment.  It should be passionate, but remember, your parents are watching.  Easy on the tongue.


Who To Thank:  As a general rule of thumb, God and family are always safe bets.  Thanking your teammates, coaches, and fans is all well and good, but considering your 1 in a billion size and stature, you probably owe a tip of the hat to your genetic code. 

Postgame Interview:  You will inevitably be given the opportunity to guarantee next year’s championship.  Do it!  History remembers the Joe Namath’s of the world and forgets the Anthony Smith’s.  Don’t know who Anthony Smith is?  Exactly.

Trophy Presentation:  Unlike some other sports, you will have to wait to hold the trophy until after your team’s owner.  This might seem unfair to the men who played the games and gave everything they had throughout a lifetime of dedication towards achieving this singular goal, but in the owner’s defense, he is incredibly wealthy.  


Do’s:  Get the crowd involved.  They’ve been standing around all day, slowly coming to the realization that they actually paid money to watch people play golf.  They desperately want to be entertained.  Give them a show by dancing around with your 9-iron clearly placed as a phallic symbol, jump into the pond, and make out with your trophy wife.  Basically, do everything Happy Gilmore did.

Don’ts:  Mess up your scorecard.  This is one the few ways you can actually lose after celebrating.  You might think it’s ridiculous that they’re making you keep your partner’s score since every shot is recorded on film, seen live by millions, and carefully counted by a man who follows you around all day, holding up a sign telling everyone exactly how many shots he’s taken, but none of that matters if you miscounted his attempted bunker flopshots on 7.

Champagne?  No.  Think about your audience watching at home.  Rich white men willfully wasting expensive alcohol at a private country club might come off a bit 1 percentish.


Moment of Victory:  Throw your gloves, stick, and helmet in the air and go jump on your goaltender.  Don’t worry, it’s perfectly safe to have a dogpile with 20 large men who have sharpened knives on their feet.  

Postgame Interview:  You might also be European, but given your repeated facial injuries and imposing stature, your foreign accent just makes you seem like a Bond villain.  Keep your answers short and pass the mic to a Canadien.

Your Opponents:  Fuck ‘em.  Celebrate with your teammates for an extended period of time.  They will literally stand there and wait.  When you eventually go to shake their hands, keep it simple.  There’s no need to pretend you’re friends with the brute who slashed you in the back of the knee.  Also, avoid sarcasm at all costs.  They are still running on a dangerous high of adrenaline and testosterone.  One misplaced joke about a funny-looking playoff beard could result in a Todd Bertuzzi situation.


Moment of Victory (fielding): Alright, this one can be complicated. First, look around. If there is no one within 40 feet of you, you are in the outfield and you need to sprint as fast as you can to the pitcher's mound. But keep in mind that you are a baseball player, and sprinting in straight lines is the number one cause of injury. Now, if you are an infield player, you must also run to the pitcher's mound. But, be weary! Beating the catcher the catcher to the pitcher is a big faux paus. As the pitcher, keep a wide stance. This will allow you to stay upright when the catcher comes in for a jump-hug.

Moment of Victory (walkoff homerun): This is your opportunity to thrust any dance move you'd like into the public sphere. You have 270 feet of jogging/sprinting/dancing/doing whatever the hell you want and people will love you forever afterwards no matter what you do. Me? I'd slide into every base and signal 'safe' after every one.


Moment of Victory:  Wrap yourself in your nation’s flag and run around waving at the crowd.  (Do this even if you lose.  Seriously, being 7th best in the world at anything is awesome.)

On The Podium:  Try this out.  Invite the bronze and silver medalists to join you up on the top step.  Put your arms around each other and sing along to each other’s national anthems.  It’s a moving gesture of sportsmanship, a powerful stance of worldwide togetherness, and a great photo op.  At the very least, you’ll get a VISA commercial out of it.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

*Fantasy* Football

Fantasy Football

                Have you ever fantasized about your favorite football team getting a new player even though you knew it was impossible?  No way!  Me too!!  We have so much in common!!!  But I’m not just talking about landing that elusive free agent or picking up a late round gem in the draft.  I’m talking about straight up fantasy.  Literary linebackers, fake field goal kickers, and conjured up cornerbacks.  I’m talking straight fiction. 
                If you were the owner of the Charlotte Charlatans, who would you sign to make a run for the Superbowl?  Here’s my roster.

Head Coach – Morpheus (The Matrix)

                Football gets emotional.  If he can stay calm, cool, and collected during a surprise Sentinel attack, then he can rally the troops when his team is down at halftime.  Plus, he sort of reminds me of Lovie Smith.


Offensive Coordinator – Gandalf (Lord of the Rings)

                To be the offensive general, you need to be a strong leader, a wise play-caller, and every once in a while, provide a little magic.  Gandalf is your guy.  The only downside is that he can be a little stubborn about his run-first philosophy.  “YOU SHALL NOT PAAAASSSSSSSS!!”

Quarterback – Sunshine (Remember The Titans)

                Strengths:  Downfield Accuracy, Scrambling Speed, Dreamy Hair.
                Weaknesses:  Can’t execute a HB Toss, Questionably Homoerotic Locker-room Antics

Running Back – Pablo Sanchez (Backyard Football)

                Pros:  Best athlete of all time
                Cons:  Doesn’t speak English
                Ethnicity: Short

Offensive Line – 300 Spartans (300)

                With Leonidas at Center, these guys have proven that they can bring even the most enormous, terrifying, and physically deformed monsters from getting past them.  They are tailor-made for blocking defensive linemen.  Good luck getting to the quarterback.

Wide Receiver – Forrest Gump (Forrest Gump)

                Obviously, the kid can run.  Plus, with his ping pong champion caliber hand eye and focus, he’ll snag everything Sunshine throws his way.  Warning: His contract includes a 1 year sabbatical every other year for him to pursue personal endeavors.  Endeavors may include, but are not limited to, the following: Becoming a war hero, binge-eating of chocolates, co-founding shrimp businesses, narrating his own life, choreographing signature dance moves, banging chicks way out of his league, and ruining perfectly good leg braces.


Defensive Coordinator – Griphook the Goblin (Harry Potter)

                Griphook knows how to run a defense.  He defends the vaults at Gringotts with an impervious system of foolproof securities.  It’s impossible to break in (Spoiler Alert: No, it’s not).

Defensive End – Rudy (Rudy)

                Height: 5 ’ nothin ”
                Weight: 100 pounds, nothin ounces
                Heart?  Yes.

Defensive Tackle – Jared the Subway Guy

                He qualifies as fake due to my sneaking suspicion that he was never actually fat.  His only proof is a doctored photo and a pair of jeans he stole from Jabba-the-Hut’s casual Fridays drawer.  I want to sign this fictitious 500 pound fat-monger to clog up those running lanes as much as his arteries. 

Linebacker – Bobby Boucher (The Waterboy)

                He once got 11 sacks in a game!

Cornerback – Del Spooner (Will Smith’s character from I Robot)

                A cornerback has to identify when the receiver is about to go deep.  Mr. Spooner is so good at sniffing out trouble that he predicted a robot revolution by using only his base-less paranoid suspicions.  Good luck fooling him with a halfback pass.

Safety – Smokey the Bear

                Only YOU can prevent breakdowns in coverage.


Cheer Captain – Ms. Tucker (Tracy Morgan’s character from The Longest Yard)

                Team Spirit:  A+
                Creativity:  A+
                Gender:  TBD

Cheerleading Squad – The Toros (Bring It On)

                The Toros were awarded this position after narrowly beating out some tough competition.  Sidebar:  Their competition consisted of the squads from the four straight-to-video sequels of the Bring It On franchise. 

Sponsor – Vandelay Industries (Seinfeld)

Announcer – Harry Doyle (Major League)

Stadium – The Pearly Gates (The Bible)

                This will save time for players who would normally point to the heavens and/or go Tebowing.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

The Top Athlete Presidential Candidates

Let's face it. American politicians suck. To steal a line from The Hunt for Red October, when they aren't kissing babies, they're stealing their lollipops. Terms like Washington outsider have become some candidates best asset. But really Washington outsider just means inexperienced politicians. Well, I assert that if you want the best Washington outsiders you should look to the community of American athletes. I assert that there is no group that the United States is more proud of than its athletes. Here are the best athlete candidates for president (after, of course, we pass the amendment making it possible to run for president before age 35):

Ron Artest: His name's about to be Metta World Peace. He'll bring peace to the middle east. If anyone can show a region how to change their violent ways, it's a man who once beat up the wrong Pistons fan after having a drink thrown at him.

Ricky Stanzi: the two best capabilities a president can have? The ability to field stupid questions and the ability to deliver a rousing GOUSA#1 peptalk. Here, the Chiefs QB shows both in thirty seconds. Imagine what he could do with 4 years.

Tim Tebow: With his religious fervor, he'll carry the bible belt. My guess is that he'll kill it in the primaries then get to the general election and find that he's way out of his league.

Antii Niemi: Sure, he may not technically be an American citizen, but with his glove speed, you can be sure that nobody's getting across the Mexican border.

J Leman: The former Illinois linebacker sure knows how to dress for the position.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

The Nebraska-Iowa Rivalry, Named

This logical rivalry has been thrust upon the Hawkeyes by virtue of Nebraska entering the Big Twelve Ten. A trophy and name have yet to be crafted for this event. Sportswritten is here to help. Rick Reilly suggest naming it the Cornfrontation. Brilliant, but let's see if we can do better.

Cornflict Resolution
The Cattle Battle
The Corntest
The StrHOGgle (admittedly forced, when you need capitals for people to understand your pun, something has gone horribly wrong)

And now, the flawlessly photoshopped trophy:
pictured: Kirk Ferentz with a gun, Bo Pelini yelling, corn

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

CONCACAF Gold Cup And Why You Should Care.

Look. I know you, Mr. American sports fan. You watch your baseball. If you live in the North, you watch your hockey. Of course, you'll watch basketball. And you haven't missed an NFL Sunday since 2003. Oh, and once every four years you'll watch a soccer game or two.

I'm here to tell you there is an important soccer tournament for the Americans happening right now. Stumptown Footy breaks it down more, well, thoroughly. But they use fancy words like world cup implications, automatic entry into the Confederations Cup, and qualifying. I'm not going to befuddle your mind with such European concepts. I'm going to base my argument off of one fact alone: bragging rights over Mexico.

If we concede that we are the inferior soccer team, it can and will only go downhill from there. From there, the Mexican economy will boom after they elect Dos Equis' most interesting man in the world president. The dollar will crash and Americans will be asking their bosses if they can be paid in Pesos, all leading to a Mexican invasion where the USA goes down in a swirl of taco-filled glory.

The following is a list of things Mexico is currently better than the USA at: poverty.

I know what you're thinking. Yes, I have taken my meds this morning.

Look. There is no sport where national pride is more a part of the game than soccer. And there may be no country that chooses to display more national pride than America.

I really don't think you'll be watching the 2011 American football world cup in Austria. USA won the last world cup in 2007 in OT over Japan (clearly, we send our best players).

The World Baseball Classic is alright, but many of the best players don't play and the USA hasn't finished in the top 3 in the WBC's history.

Olympic basketball is fun, but where's the competition?

If you're a patriot, you need to be watching soccer, the game that the entire world measures each other with.

USA vs. Panama semifinal is tomorrow (Wednesday) at 7 PM ET. Watch. Or take a dump on the American flag. The choice is yours.

(maybe, I did forget to take my meds...)

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Big Ten-der

                The Big Ten Conference is now considering a new suggestion with regard to compensating student athletes. The proposal is that each player will receive a payment of between $2,000 - $5,000 per year for living expenses. The reasoning behind such an idea is that collegiate athletes, specifically football players, bring in so much revenue for their schools that they deserve some sort of compensation. And it’s true. The programs at schools like Texas, Florida, and USC bring in enormous profits for the university through TV contracts, ticket sales, and merchandise. As of now, collegiate athletes are strictly banned from benefitting financially from their sports. A star quarterback in a big football town may have an incredible season which results in millions of dollars for his school, but he won’t receive a dime, not from the fans who bought tickets just to see him, and not from the jerseys sold with his name on it. Since all the money is generated by the athletes who actually play the game, it seems that they should be entitled to a fair share.  Nevermind the fact that every player at a Big Ten school, like Michigan, already receives free tuition for four years (the equivalent of about $200,000), tons of free equipment and gear, free travel and lodging around the country, and the opportunity to prove their talents to NFL scouts on a national stage.
                Let’s move past whether this is right or not, because the more interesting discussion is what would happen if this proposal is approved?  The most obvious result is that the Big Ten would have a big advantage in recruiting.  Ohio State coach Jim Tressel can tell his best players that they will have plenty of money to pay for their tattoos.  Penn State coach Joe Paterno can explain to new recruits how, back in World War I, $5,000 would have bought a house. This payment could cause some of that ESS EEE SEE speed to migrate up to the Big Ten.  But money is just one of many perks that a university can give to an athlete.  So what can the other conferences offer recruits to stay competitive?

1.  College Credits
                Football programs can get more players to commit to their schools by simply granting them credit in courses related to sports.  Human Anatomy?  Check.  Anyone who can run the 40 yard dash in less than 4.4 seconds must have a deep understanding of the human body.  Public Speaking?  Check.  If you can face a crowd of reporters in a press conference immediately after fumbling in overtime, then you’ve already learned more than the other students who presented their dioramas to the class.  Physics?  Check.  You’ve already demonstrated your knowledge of projectiles when you launched your body into a helpless receiver running a crossing pattern.  (That reminds me, you still might want to take that Human Anatomy class) 

2.  Make-A-Wish Day
               Most of us know the Make-A-Wish Foundation for doing incredibly generous deeds for children with terminal diseases.  They bring kids to meet their heroes or visit the place they’ve always dreamed of going.  Why not do the same for the promising high school prospects?  Maybe Auburn coach Gene Chizik will take the top rated high school linebacker to meet Jay-Z or set him up on a trip to see the set of Avatar 2. 

3.  $2,000-5,000 a year for entertainment purposes

              Why confine the money you're giving to athletes to "living expenses"? Perhaps the MWC could shell out the same amount of money to football players but allocate it towards something that athletes would be more appreciative of. This way, Colorado State players could go out to the bars 5 nights a week, San Diego State players could pay for hookers after failing to get lucky, and BYU's athletes could splurge on lemonade for their bible study.