Are you a dominant world class athlete? Do you ever win a tournament/championship/Super-Stanley-World-Bowl-Cup-Series and not know what to do next? It can be hard to let out all the joy of winning gracefully, but fear not, for here is a step by step guide enumerating all the do’s and don’ts of how to celebrate your sport’s ultimate victory:
Tennis
Your Opponent: After losing a championship match, your opponent is physically and emotionally exhausted. This is the perfect moment to give him shit for all his double faults and mock his comically high-pitched grunts. That being said, keep it to yourself. It’s likely that he’s 5 years younger, and he’ll eventually crush you.
Postgame Interview: You’re probably European, in which case, your broken english is adorable and great for ratings. Don’t fight it.
Kissing The Trophy: Treat it like a “you may kiss the bride” moment. It should be passionate, but remember, your parents are watching. Easy on the tongue.
Basketball
Who To Thank: As a general rule of thumb, God and family are always safe bets. Thanking your teammates, coaches, and fans is all well and good, but considering your 1 in a billion size and stature, you probably owe a tip of the hat to your genetic code.
Postgame Interview: You will inevitably be given the opportunity to guarantee next year’s championship. Do it! History remembers the Joe Namath’s of the world and forgets the Anthony Smith’s. Don’t know who Anthony Smith is? Exactly.
Trophy Presentation: Unlike some other sports, you will have to wait to hold the trophy until after your team’s owner. This might seem unfair to the men who played the games and gave everything they had throughout a lifetime of dedication towards achieving this singular goal, but in the owner’s defense, he is incredibly wealthy.
Golf
Do’s: Get the crowd involved. They’ve been standing around all day, slowly coming to the realization that they actually paid money to watch people play golf. They desperately want to be entertained. Give them a show by dancing around with your 9-iron clearly placed as a phallic symbol, jump into the pond, and make out with your trophy wife. Basically, do everything Happy Gilmore did.
Don’ts: Mess up your scorecard. This is one the few ways you can actually lose after celebrating. You might think it’s ridiculous that they’re making you keep your partner’s score since every shot is recorded on film, seen live by millions, and carefully counted by a man who follows you around all day, holding up a sign telling everyone exactly how many shots he’s taken, but none of that matters if you miscounted his attempted bunker flopshots on 7.
Champagne? No. Think about your audience watching at home. Rich white men willfully wasting expensive alcohol at a private country club might come off a bit 1 percentish.
Hockey
Moment of Victory: Throw your gloves, stick, and helmet in the air and go jump on your goaltender. Don’t worry, it’s perfectly safe to have a dogpile with 20 large men who have sharpened knives on their feet.
Postgame Interview: You might also be European, but given your repeated facial injuries and imposing stature, your foreign accent just makes you seem like a Bond villain. Keep your answers short and pass the mic to a Canadien.
Your Opponents: Fuck ‘em. Celebrate with your teammates for an extended period of time. They will literally stand there and wait. When you eventually go to shake their hands, keep it simple. There’s no need to pretend you’re friends with the brute who slashed you in the back of the knee. Also, avoid sarcasm at all costs. They are still running on a dangerous high of adrenaline and testosterone. One misplaced joke about a funny-looking playoff beard could result in a Todd Bertuzzi situation.
Baseball
Moment of Victory (fielding): Alright, this one can be complicated. First, look around. If there is no one within 40 feet of you, you are in the outfield and you need to sprint as fast as you can to the pitcher's mound. But keep in mind that you are a baseball player, and sprinting in straight lines is the number one cause of injury. Now, if you are an infield player, you must also run to the pitcher's mound. But, be weary! Beating the catcher the catcher to the pitcher is a big faux paus. As the pitcher, keep a wide stance. This will allow you to stay upright when the catcher comes in for a jump-hug.
Moment of Victory (walkoff homerun): This is your opportunity to thrust any dance move you'd like into the public sphere. You have 270 feet of jogging/sprinting/dancing/doing whatever the hell you want and people will love you forever afterwards no matter what you do. Me? I'd slide into every base and signal 'safe' after every one.
Olympics
On The Podium: Try this out. Invite the bronze and silver medalists to join you up on the top step. Put your arms around each other and sing along to each other’s national anthems. It’s a moving gesture of sportsmanship, a powerful stance of worldwide togetherness, and a great photo op. At the very least, you’ll get a VISA commercial out of it.
