Damn, it Feels Good to be a Shurna

For those who have yet watch a Northwestern basketball game, you are missing out. John Shurna and company has the Wildcats out to a 12-5 start, staring at the possibility of making the NCAA tournament for the first time in school history. Michael "Juice" Thompson, Luka Mirkovic, and Shurna have formed an unstoppable trio of athleticism spawning the now famous phrase, "takin' my talents to E-town." E-town, of course, referring to the basketball mecca of Evanston, IL, home of the Northwestern Wildcats. I had a chance to sit down with this dynamic group of athletes.

Me: John, I want to start with you. What is being a Northwestern Wildcat like?

Yo maan, bein' a Wildcat is some dope-ass shit. We got duh hottest chicks dis side uh Harvad. Errabody be rollin down duh street in dem lamboginis.

Me: Right, now Luka, how have you flourished in the Princeton-style offense that Northwestern runs?


ME LUKA EAT FISH FOOD (proceeds to eat fish food)


Luka hasn't really familiarized himself with American culture yet. Plus, he never went to school in Serbia. He just recently learned his name.

Me: How can he understand such an intricate offense as the one you guys run without any intelligence?
If you watch closely, there's always a coach on the baseline with a can of fish food tied to a string running around directing Luka where to go. He always chases the fish food. Then when someone passes the ball to him, the coach puts the fish food by the basket in an attempt to make Luka put the basketball through the hoop. Luka really likes fish food. I think it's a popular food in Serbia.

Me: Wow, that's a brilliant system. But what stops Luka from running off the court to get the coach with the fish food?
We tell Luka that the purple out of bounds line is lava, and if he steps on it, he will die.

Me: Brilliant. So John, people call your shooting form "unconventional." I personally think it looks like you're trying to change an imaginary dirty diaper on the ball while simultaneously shooting, but it has lead to an unbelievable 55% 3-point shooting percentage. How did you learn to shoot like that?
Son, I just ball. I ball harder than any playa eva balled befoh.

Me: Luka, people have called you the Chris Bosh of the trifecta, What do you think about that?
ME FISH SAUCE?

Me: No, Luka, I compared you to Chris Bosh, not fish sauce.

LUKA WANT FISH SAUCE TO PUT ON FISH FOOD! (throws chairs, bangs chest)

Me: Micheal, some people call you "Juice." Why to they do that?
Well, it started when I came to Northwestern. I came here thinking I would find a bunch of level-headed guys on the basketball team, because Northwestern University is one of the best institutions of higher learning in the country. I found that everyone on the team is batshit insane. Kevin Coble, who recently quit the team, always threw feces at teammates. Alex Marcotullio wears a penguin costume wherever he goes. John Shurna acts like a thug. Everyone has a thing. Apparently, I'm the only sane person to ever choose to play for Northwestern basketball. Then, one day, Luka called me Juice. I think he just wanted juice to rinse the taste of fish food out of his mouth, but the name stuck.

(Shurna takes out his gun)

Me: Shurna, what are you doing!?
Gimme dat wallet in yo pocket

(I give him wallet)
(John Shurna runs away)
I've learned not to carry anything valuable when John's around. He does that every day.