The Heatles

(Sportswritten wordplay correspondent Scott Gantner is back and at his finest with this piece.)

Lebron has dubbed the 2011 Miami Heat "the heatles". Can you find all 8 Beatles song titles in the following article? 

The Miami Heat are a terrible team, right?  At least, that’s what Sportscenter keeps trying to tell me.  The rhetoric used on the Heatles is deserving of the 2008 Detroit Lions.  Miami has been taking heat from the media eight days a week.  They have no team chemistry, their bench players don’t contribute, and they’re terrible in close games.  In games where the Heat have had a chance to win on the last shot, they’ve lost 15 of 16.  This clearly indicates they need to come together and choose a designated leader.  Sometimes Lebron takes the final shot, sometimes Wade, even Mario Chalmers has given it a go.  After every loss, the analysts declare that Miami needs serious help.

            But if all of this is true, and the Heat really are the worst thing since the plague and traffic, then you might be surprised to hear this stat. 

The Miami Heat are 2 games back from leading the Eastern Conference.

            It’s true, they are currently one of the best teams in the league.  It almost seems impossible for this to be true.  The only things we ever hear about the Heat are negative.  I think the reason this is such a surprise is that we are in denial about how good they truly are.  The fact remains that Dwayne Wade, Lebron James, and Chris Bosh are star players who have the talent to dominate a game on any given night.  Do they have bad chemistry?  Yes, but if they can stay with the top teams in the nation without it, then who cares?  Their chemistry is only getting better.  So what if they have the fewest bench points per game in the league.  How many other teams have two players that average 25 points a game?  Their record in close games is so abysmal that even the slightest improvement will vault them into first place. 

            Back when Lebron made The Decision, expectations for the Heat were something out of this world.  It was the first time that two of the top 5 players in the league were going to be on the same team.  They were supposed to be the best team ever.  To carry that weight, the Heat would need to win 70 games a season.  With such high hopes early on, it’s easy to see why some are disillusioned by the team’s performance.  But let it be known that they haven’t failed yet.  Even as a Bull’s fan, I feel fine admitting that the Heat are a team that’s more dangerous than building a city below sea level (too soon?).

            So instead of railing on the Heat for all of their shortcomings, it’s time that we recognize that they are having a strong season, and understand their potential to win it all.  Coming from someone who doesn’t even like them, don’t be surprised if they end up taking it to the Lakers in the championship.  If this is as bad as the Heat can get, then I pray they never get good.

(Did you find all 8 song titles?)

2011 NCAA Tournament All-Name Team

Many accolades are handed out to the players of college basketball. I think it's time the parents got some acknowledgement. I've compiled a list of the best names in college basketball. These names are sometimes funny, sometimes badass, and always interesting. Here are the best names in the 2011 NCAA tournament:

Starters
G Dalton Pepper- West Virginia
Dalton Pepper is almost unquestionably the funniest name in the tournament. If I were his teammate I would walk up to him and give him a little shake, thus becoming the Dalton Pepper shaker.

G Ivory White- Alabama State
Would Ebony Black be as good of a name?

G Bradford Burgess- VCU
That's a name for parliament. It can only be bettered by adding Willhelm as a middle name and Perhaps making him the third. Bradford Willhelm Burgess III. Yup, that's it.

F Dallas Lauderdale- Ohio State
Without ever seeing Dallas Lauderdale, I would know not to mess with him. That's a badass name. Then, I find out he's 6'8" 260. Now I try to stay out of the same state as him and avoid the city of Dallas just for good measure.

F Colton Christian- Michigan
Christianity, a cult? Good work mr. and mrs. Christian.


Bench
Demertri McCamey- Illinois
Demetri McCamey is reclaiming the name Demetri from the nerds and seizing it for the athletes

Dmitri, backyard baseball                                                   Demetri, baller

Kevin Feeney- Xavier
It's Mr. Feeney's son! No? it's not. Well, still a legendary last name. Boy Meets World- quality show.

Demontez Stitt- Clemson
Put this one in the badass category. Names ending in z are generally good.

Dean Melchionni- Texas
Mel-key-own-eee. The name is smooth like milk. Dean is the perfect finishing touch.

Mike Broghammer- Notre Dame
I'm sure this last name will spawn many chants from the Notre Dame faithful if the sophomore becomes a good basketball player.

Venoy Overton- Washington
This name is sweet. His end of game decision-making against UNC? Well, that venoyed the heck out of me. My bracket was officially over...ton.

Pooh Williams- Utah State
His name is Poo. That's amazing.

Re-Write Reilly

            Fill in the blanks of this Feb. 19^th article by ESPN’s Rick Reilly in the first installment of Sportswritten’s “Re-Write Reilly.” Submissions will be accepted in the comment section and my favorite will be subjectively declared the winner. The winner will receive tips on how to make a sportswritten t-shirt (hint: it involves a black marker and a white t-shirt).

Wrestling with conviction

DES MOINES, Iowa

                                     year-old wrestler Cassy Herkelman doesn't need

            Number

anybody protecting her from                             . She's broken her 

                                                   Noun

                         , split her                       , deviated her                               ,

 Body Part              Body Part                      Body Part

 wrecked her                              , all from                           .

                   Body Part                 Activity

She's about as                            as a                                     .

                    Adjective                 Noun

She's her district's pony-tailed, 112-pound champion wrestler.

So why did her first opponent in the Iowa state high 


school                                                        tournament

            Competitive Activity in Iowa

default rather than                         her?

                              Verb

Because "wrestling is a(n)                         sport and it 

                                   Adjective                           

can get                            at times," said 16-year-old 

            Adjective

                                               Joel Northrup, in a statement. "As a matter

 Adjective     Noun

of                                         and my                                 , I do not believe

    National Concern              Religion

that it is appropriate for a                                     to                                 a 

                                  Type of Person           Verb              

                                        in this manner." Coming into 

   Type of Person

                                                       , the Cedar 

       Tournament Name

Falls                                             had won 20 of 33                                          ,

        Descriptive Noun                                Plural Noun

 every one of them against                                           .

                                           Plural Noun

"We believe in the                                 and                                       of women," 

                              Noun                       Noun

the father told the                                        , "full contact sport is not how to do that."

                             Newspaper

She became the first                                    in the                -year history of the Iowa 

                           Type of Person        Number

state wrestling tournament to                             a                                  , but 

                                            Verb                 Noun

thanks to Northrup, it's forever splattered with                                                   .

                                                             Unpleasant Substance

The last I saw Northrup, he was crying. After the default, he entered the 
consolation round, where he won his first                          , then                           

                                                         Noun            Past-Tense Verb                   

a heartbreaker in                                    , 3-2.  He was done, with no chance

                            Location                
to                                 .
           Verb

Read the full unedited Rick Reilly article here: 
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/news/story?id=6136707

Credit to Scott Gantner for this idea.

Here's our first submission, enjoy.

Wrestling with conviction

DES MOINES, Iowa

                     67              year-old wrestler Cassy Herkelman doesn't need

            Number

anybody protecting her from      Justin Bieber          . She's broken her 

                                                   Noun

    spleen             , split her     eyeball          , deviated her      soul                   ,

 Body Part               Body Part                     Body Part

 wrecked her       Ursa Minor        , all from    crumping          .

                  Body Part                 Activity

She's about as       tough               as a       bag of kisses        .

                    Adjective                 Noun

She's her district's pony-tailed, 112-pound champion wrestler.

So why did her first opponent in the Iowa state high 

school          crumping                                    tournament

            Competitive Activity in Iowa

default rather than     plagiarize      her?

                            Verb

Because "wrestling is a      Mexican         sport and it 

                                Adjective                           

can get      Guatemalan             at times," said 16-year-old 

            Adjective

    Balloon             enthusiast     Joel Northrup, in a statement. "As a matter

 Adjective     Noun

of      2^nd Amendment Rights   and my Manson family worship, I do not believe

    National Concern              Religion

that it is appropriate for a         Methodist              to       fondle                          a 

                                 Type of Person            Verb              

         Costco employee                   in this manner." Coming into 

   Type of Person

           Tyler Perry’s Big Momma 3: Iowa State Fair     , the Cedar 

       Tournament Name

Falls         Velociraptor                         had won 20 of 33      cage matches      ,

        Descriptive Noun                                Plural Noun

 every one of them against       mascots                    .

                                    Plural Noun

"We believe in the        observation       and           study                 of women," 

                                Noun                   Noun

the father told the  Cedar Falls’ Yellow Pages, "full contact sport is not how to do that."

                          Newspaper

She became the first        senior citizen          in the      four          -year history of the Iowa 

                              Type of Person        Number

state wrestling tournament to       win                a         grammy             , but 

                                           Verb                 Noun

thanks to Northrup, it's forever splattered with        Nickelodeon Slime                .

                                                               Unpleasant Substance

The last I saw Northrup, he was crying. After the default, he entered the 

consolation round, where he won his first Participation Ribbon, then        lost                   

                                                          Noun                 Past-Tense Verb                   

a heartbreaker in         Valley Forge        , 3-2.  He was done, with no chance

                         Location                

to       Defeat the Commies  .

         Verb

Cavs Lose Jamison for Season

Cue the music to sum up this season for the Cavaliers

As the rich get richer this week with the signing of Troy Murphy to the Boston Celtics, the poor are getting poorer. Like, Antoine Walker poor. Metaphorically, the Cavs may be pissing in McDonald's and sleeping on the sidewalk.

The Lebron-era Cavs once threatened to get into the history books with a Chicago Bulls-esque run of championships, and now they're in the history books for a much different reason: a record 26 game losing streak. Oh, but the suffering doesn't stop there.

Perhaps the only player on the Cavs worth keeping, Antawn Jamison has gone under the knife to fix his broken pinky and will be lost for the rest of the season.

The once championship-contending, now laughable Cavs have to ready themselves to play the San Antonio Spurs.

That's the 49-10 Spurs vs. the 11-48 Cavs without their best player.

I know I'll be watching.

David vs. Goliath? No. This is like David's little sister vs. Goliath.