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Sunday, January 8, 2012

*Fantasy* Football


Fantasy Football

                Have you ever fantasized about your favorite football team getting a new player even though you knew it was impossible?  No way!  Me too!!  We have so much in common!!!  But I’m not just talking about landing that elusive free agent or picking up a late round gem in the draft.  I’m talking about straight up fantasy.  Literary linebackers, fake field goal kickers, and conjured up cornerbacks.  I’m talking straight fiction. 
                If you were the owner of the Charlotte Charlatans, who would you sign to make a run for the Superbowl?  Here’s my roster.

Head Coach – Morpheus (The Matrix)

                Football gets emotional.  If he can stay calm, cool, and collected during a surprise Sentinel attack, then he can rally the troops when his team is down at halftime.  Plus, he sort of reminds me of Lovie Smith.

Offense:

Offensive Coordinator – Gandalf (Lord of the Rings)

                To be the offensive general, you need to be a strong leader, a wise play-caller, and every once in a while, provide a little magic.  Gandalf is your guy.  The only downside is that he can be a little stubborn about his run-first philosophy.  “YOU SHALL NOT PAAAASSSSSSSS!!”

Quarterback – Sunshine (Remember The Titans)

                Strengths:  Downfield Accuracy, Scrambling Speed, Dreamy Hair.
                Weaknesses:  Can’t execute a HB Toss, Questionably Homoerotic Locker-room Antics

Running Back – Pablo Sanchez (Backyard Football)

                Pros:  Best athlete of all time
                Cons:  Doesn’t speak English
                Ethnicity: Short

Offensive Line – 300 Spartans (300)

                With Leonidas at Center, these guys have proven that they can bring even the most enormous, terrifying, and physically deformed monsters from getting past them.  They are tailor-made for blocking defensive linemen.  Good luck getting to the quarterback.

Wide Receiver – Forrest Gump (Forrest Gump)

                Obviously, the kid can run.  Plus, with his ping pong champion caliber hand eye and focus, he’ll snag everything Sunshine throws his way.  Warning: His contract includes a 1 year sabbatical every other year for him to pursue personal endeavors.  Endeavors may include, but are not limited to, the following: Becoming a war hero, binge-eating of chocolates, co-founding shrimp businesses, narrating his own life, choreographing signature dance moves, banging chicks way out of his league, and ruining perfectly good leg braces.

Defense:

Defensive Coordinator – Griphook the Goblin (Harry Potter)

                Griphook knows how to run a defense.  He defends the vaults at Gringotts with an impervious system of foolproof securities.  It’s impossible to break in (Spoiler Alert: No, it’s not).

Defensive End – Rudy (Rudy)

                Height: 5 ’ nothin ”
                Weight: 100 pounds, nothin ounces
                Heart?  Yes.

Defensive Tackle – Jared the Subway Guy

                He qualifies as fake due to my sneaking suspicion that he was never actually fat.  His only proof is a doctored photo and a pair of jeans he stole from Jabba-the-Hut’s casual Fridays drawer.  I want to sign this fictitious 500 pound fat-monger to clog up those running lanes as much as his arteries. 

Linebacker – Bobby Boucher (The Waterboy)

                He once got 11 sacks in a game!

Cornerback – Del Spooner (Will Smith’s character from I Robot)

                A cornerback has to identify when the receiver is about to go deep.  Mr. Spooner is so good at sniffing out trouble that he predicted a robot revolution by using only his base-less paranoid suspicions.  Good luck fooling him with a halfback pass.

Safety – Smokey the Bear

                Only YOU can prevent breakdowns in coverage.

Extras:

Cheer Captain – Ms. Tucker (Tracy Morgan’s character from The Longest Yard)

                Team Spirit:  A+
                Creativity:  A+
                Gender:  TBD

Cheerleading Squad – The Toros (Bring It On)

                The Toros were awarded this position after narrowly beating out some tough competition.  Sidebar:  Their competition consisted of the squads from the four straight-to-video sequels of the Bring It On franchise. 

Sponsor – Vandelay Industries (Seinfeld)

Announcer – Harry Doyle (Major League)

Stadium – The Pearly Gates (The Bible)

                This will save time for players who would normally point to the heavens and/or go Tebowing.

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