Big Ten-der

                The Big Ten Conference is now considering a new suggestion with regard to compensating student athletes. The proposal is that each player will receive a payment of between $2,000 - $5,000 per year for living expenses. The reasoning behind such an idea is that collegiate athletes, specifically football players, bring in so much revenue for their schools that they deserve some sort of compensation. And it’s true. The programs at schools like Texas, Florida, and USC bring in enormous profits for the university through TV contracts, ticket sales, and merchandise. As of now, collegiate athletes are strictly banned from benefitting financially from their sports. A star quarterback in a big football town may have an incredible season which results in millions of dollars for his school, but he won’t receive a dime, not from the fans who bought tickets just to see him, and not from the jerseys sold with his name on it. Since all the money is generated by the athletes who actually play the game, it seems that they should be entitled to a fair share.  Nevermind the fact that every player at a Big Ten school, like Michigan, already receives free tuition for four years (the equivalent of about $200,000), tons of free equipment and gear, free travel and lodging around the country, and the opportunity to prove their talents to NFL scouts on a national stage.

                Let’s move past whether this is right or not, because the more interesting discussion is what would happen if this proposal is approved?  The most obvious result is that the Big Ten would have a big advantage in recruiting.  Ohio State coach Jim Tressel can tell his best players that they will have plenty of money to pay for their tattoos.  Penn State coach Joe Paterno can explain to new recruits how, back in World War I, $5,000 would have bought a house. This payment could cause some of that ESS EEE SEE speed to migrate up to the Big Ten.  But money is just one of many perks that a university can give to an athlete.  So what can the other conferences offer recruits to stay competitive?

1.  College Credits

            
                Football programs can get more players to commit to their schools by simply granting them credit in courses related to sports.  Human Anatomy?  Check.  Anyone who can run the 40 yard dash in less than 4.4 seconds must have a deep understanding of the human body.  Public Speaking?  Check.  If you can face a crowd of reporters in a press conference immediately after fumbling in overtime, then you’ve already learned more than the other students who presented their dioramas to the class.  Physics?  Check.  You’ve already demonstrated your knowledge of projectiles when you launched your body into a helpless receiver running a crossing pattern.  (That reminds me, you still might want to take that Human Anatomy class) 

2.  Make-A-Wish Day

            
               Most of us know the Make-A-Wish Foundation for doing incredibly generous deeds for children with terminal diseases.  They bring kids to meet their heroes or visit the place they’ve always dreamed of going.  Why not do the same for the promising high school prospects?  Maybe Auburn coach Gene Chizik will take the top rated high school linebacker to meet Jay-Z or set him up on a trip to see the set of Avatar 2. 

3.  $2,000-5,000 a year for entertainment purposes

              Why confine the money you're giving to athletes to "living expenses"? Perhaps the MWC could shell out the same amount of money to football players but allocate it towards something that athletes would be more appreciative of. This way, Colorado State players could go out to the bars 5 nights a week, San Diego State players could pay for hookers after failing to get lucky, and BYU's athletes could splurge on lemonade for their bible study.             

Fantasy Fill-in

     With an NFL lockout next season turning out to be a scary possibility, it’s time that we start preparing a back-up plan for the demographic that has the most to lose: Fantasy Football players. As any dedicated fantasy player will tell you, going an entire season without gambling money and pride on a fortune-telling venture is unimaginable. For years we have channeled our bottled-up male aggression into athletes who play violent sports. We can’t just stop now. There would be riots in the streets. (And not the good kind, like celebrating a championship, or looting the royal castle.) So if the owners and players can’t find some way to adequately divide the profits of the most lucrative league in the nation by next fall, then we’re going to need a new population to follow religiously.

1. Fantasy Legislature

    Imagine a fantasy draft with all the characters in the U.S. Legislature. If you think NFL receivers have eccentric egos, then you’ve never been to a district 29 taxpayer funded inauguration party. This band of 535 public servants is both diverse and rich. (By diverse I mean, from all 50 states. And by rich I mean….rich.) Football players simply can’t keep up with all the excitement of the nation’s legislatures. Forget 200 yard games, one-handed grabs, and impossible comebacks. We’re talking about top dollar prostitutes, illegitimate children, and unthinkable flip-flops.

Roster:
- Two Senators per team (max)
- Two Tea Party members per team (min)
- No bench players. We’re at war

The format for points is going to be a little different. Here’s an example:

Congressman

Representative of Nebraska 1st District:

Jeff Fortenberry (Rep)

        Week 7 Stats                  Week 7 Points
Dollars Raised: $4,375                       4
Bills Filibustered: 1                            15
Babies Kissed: 3                                12
Committees Appointed to: 1              10
Sex Scandals: 0                                 -4

2. Fantasy Talk Show Hosting
This is another exciting league possibility. The playing field here is smaller, so draft wisely. You’ll have your choice of white guys or older whiter guys. Talk show hosts are fascinating not only for their comedic talent and glowing personalities, but also because they give us the feeling that we too could do their jobs. Each day in this world is full of enthralling men and women from all corners of the human endeavor like actors, authors, athletes, and actors. Get ready to dominate your office league with unrelenting witty takes on current events.

Roster:
- One major network host
- One cable network host
- One foreign network host

Example:

Host

Jimmy Fallon

Week 4 Stats                                                               Week 4 Points
Monologue Laughs: 13                                                       13
Strange Announcer/Sidekick Laughs: 3                                6
Band Member Laughs: 8                                                      0
Celebrity Impressions: 2                                                      10
Audience Member Shout Outs: 1                                        15
Prop Failures: 3                                                                   -9

Credit: Scott Gantner

The Heatles

(Sportswritten wordplay correspondent Scott Gantner is back and at his finest with this piece.)

Lebron has dubbed the 2011 Miami Heat "the heatles". Can you find all 8 Beatles song titles in the following article? 

The Miami Heat are a terrible team, right?  At least, that’s what Sportscenter keeps trying to tell me.  The rhetoric used on the Heatles is deserving of the 2008 Detroit Lions.  Miami has been taking heat from the media eight days a week.  They have no team chemistry, their bench players don’t contribute, and they’re terrible in close games.  In games where the Heat have had a chance to win on the last shot, they’ve lost 15 of 16.  This clearly indicates they need to come together and choose a designated leader.  Sometimes Lebron takes the final shot, sometimes Wade, even Mario Chalmers has given it a go.  After every loss, the analysts declare that Miami needs serious help.

            But if all of this is true, and the Heat really are the worst thing since the plague and traffic, then you might be surprised to hear this stat. 

The Miami Heat are 2 games back from leading the Eastern Conference.

            It’s true, they are currently one of the best teams in the league.  It almost seems impossible for this to be true.  The only things we ever hear about the Heat are negative.  I think the reason this is such a surprise is that we are in denial about how good they truly are.  The fact remains that Dwayne Wade, Lebron James, and Chris Bosh are star players who have the talent to dominate a game on any given night.  Do they have bad chemistry?  Yes, but if they can stay with the top teams in the nation without it, then who cares?  Their chemistry is only getting better.  So what if they have the fewest bench points per game in the league.  How many other teams have two players that average 25 points a game?  Their record in close games is so abysmal that even the slightest improvement will vault them into first place. 

            Back when Lebron made The Decision, expectations for the Heat were something out of this world.  It was the first time that two of the top 5 players in the league were going to be on the same team.  They were supposed to be the best team ever.  To carry that weight, the Heat would need to win 70 games a season.  With such high hopes early on, it’s easy to see why some are disillusioned by the team’s performance.  But let it be known that they haven’t failed yet.  Even as a Bull’s fan, I feel fine admitting that the Heat are a team that’s more dangerous than building a city below sea level (too soon?).

            So instead of railing on the Heat for all of their shortcomings, it’s time that we recognize that they are having a strong season, and understand their potential to win it all.  Coming from someone who doesn’t even like them, don’t be surprised if they end up taking it to the Lakers in the championship.  If this is as bad as the Heat can get, then I pray they never get good.

(Did you find all 8 song titles?)

2011 NCAA Tournament All-Name Team

Many accolades are handed out to the players of college basketball. I think it's time the parents got some acknowledgement. I've compiled a list of the best names in college basketball. These names are sometimes funny, sometimes badass, and always interesting. Here are the best names in the 2011 NCAA tournament:

Starters
G Dalton Pepper- West Virginia
Dalton Pepper is almost unquestionably the funniest name in the tournament. If I were his teammate I would walk up to him and give him a little shake, thus becoming the Dalton Pepper shaker.

G Ivory White- Alabama State
Would Ebony Black be as good of a name?

G Bradford Burgess- VCU
That's a name for parliament. It can only be bettered by adding Willhelm as a middle name and Perhaps making him the third. Bradford Willhelm Burgess III. Yup, that's it.

F Dallas Lauderdale- Ohio State
Without ever seeing Dallas Lauderdale, I would know not to mess with him. That's a badass name. Then, I find out he's 6'8" 260. Now I try to stay out of the same state as him and avoid the city of Dallas just for good measure.

F Colton Christian- Michigan
Christianity, a cult? Good work mr. and mrs. Christian.


Bench
Demertri McCamey- Illinois
Demetri McCamey is reclaiming the name Demetri from the nerds and seizing it for the athletes

Dmitri, backyard baseball                                                   Demetri, baller

Kevin Feeney- Xavier
It's Mr. Feeney's son! No? it's not. Well, still a legendary last name. Boy Meets World- quality show.

Demontez Stitt- Clemson
Put this one in the badass category. Names ending in z are generally good.

Dean Melchionni- Texas
Mel-key-own-eee. The name is smooth like milk. Dean is the perfect finishing touch.

Mike Broghammer- Notre Dame
I'm sure this last name will spawn many chants from the Notre Dame faithful if the sophomore becomes a good basketball player.

Venoy Overton- Washington
This name is sweet. His end of game decision-making against UNC? Well, that venoyed the heck out of me. My bracket was officially over...ton.

Pooh Williams- Utah State
His name is Poo. That's amazing.

Re-Write Reilly

            Fill in the blanks of this Feb. 19^th article by ESPN’s Rick Reilly in the first installment of Sportswritten’s “Re-Write Reilly.” Submissions will be accepted in the comment section and my favorite will be subjectively declared the winner. The winner will receive tips on how to make a sportswritten t-shirt (hint: it involves a black marker and a white t-shirt).

Wrestling with conviction

DES MOINES, Iowa

                                     year-old wrestler Cassy Herkelman doesn't need

            Number

anybody protecting her from                             . She's broken her 

                                                   Noun

                         , split her                       , deviated her                               ,

 Body Part              Body Part                      Body Part

 wrecked her                              , all from                           .

                   Body Part                 Activity

She's about as                            as a                                     .

                    Adjective                 Noun

She's her district's pony-tailed, 112-pound champion wrestler.

So why did her first opponent in the Iowa state high 


school                                                        tournament

            Competitive Activity in Iowa

default rather than                         her?

                              Verb

Because "wrestling is a(n)                         sport and it 

                                   Adjective                           

can get                            at times," said 16-year-old 

            Adjective

                                               Joel Northrup, in a statement. "As a matter

 Adjective     Noun

of                                         and my                                 , I do not believe

    National Concern              Religion

that it is appropriate for a                                     to                                 a 

                                  Type of Person           Verb              

                                        in this manner." Coming into 

   Type of Person

                                                       , the Cedar 

       Tournament Name

Falls                                             had won 20 of 33                                          ,

        Descriptive Noun                                Plural Noun

 every one of them against                                           .

                                           Plural Noun

"We believe in the                                 and                                       of women," 

                              Noun                       Noun

the father told the                                        , "full contact sport is not how to do that."

                             Newspaper

She became the first                                    in the                -year history of the Iowa 

                           Type of Person        Number

state wrestling tournament to                             a                                  , but 

                                            Verb                 Noun

thanks to Northrup, it's forever splattered with                                                   .

                                                             Unpleasant Substance

The last I saw Northrup, he was crying. After the default, he entered the 
consolation round, where he won his first                          , then                           

                                                         Noun            Past-Tense Verb                   

a heartbreaker in                                    , 3-2.  He was done, with no chance

                            Location                
to                                 .
           Verb

Read the full unedited Rick Reilly article here: 
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/news/story?id=6136707

Credit to Scott Gantner for this idea.

Here's our first submission, enjoy.

Wrestling with conviction

DES MOINES, Iowa

                     67              year-old wrestler Cassy Herkelman doesn't need

            Number

anybody protecting her from      Justin Bieber          . She's broken her 

                                                   Noun

    spleen             , split her     eyeball          , deviated her      soul                   ,

 Body Part               Body Part                     Body Part

 wrecked her       Ursa Minor        , all from    crumping          .

                  Body Part                 Activity

She's about as       tough               as a       bag of kisses        .

                    Adjective                 Noun

She's her district's pony-tailed, 112-pound champion wrestler.

So why did her first opponent in the Iowa state high 

school          crumping                                    tournament

            Competitive Activity in Iowa

default rather than     plagiarize      her?

                            Verb

Because "wrestling is a      Mexican         sport and it 

                                Adjective                           

can get      Guatemalan             at times," said 16-year-old 

            Adjective

    Balloon             enthusiast     Joel Northrup, in a statement. "As a matter

 Adjective     Noun

of      2^nd Amendment Rights   and my Manson family worship, I do not believe

    National Concern              Religion

that it is appropriate for a         Methodist              to       fondle                          a 

                                 Type of Person            Verb              

         Costco employee                   in this manner." Coming into 

   Type of Person

           Tyler Perry’s Big Momma 3: Iowa State Fair     , the Cedar 

       Tournament Name

Falls         Velociraptor                         had won 20 of 33      cage matches      ,

        Descriptive Noun                                Plural Noun

 every one of them against       mascots                    .

                                    Plural Noun

"We believe in the        observation       and           study                 of women," 

                                Noun                   Noun

the father told the  Cedar Falls’ Yellow Pages, "full contact sport is not how to do that."

                          Newspaper

She became the first        senior citizen          in the      four          -year history of the Iowa 

                              Type of Person        Number

state wrestling tournament to       win                a         grammy             , but 

                                           Verb                 Noun

thanks to Northrup, it's forever splattered with        Nickelodeon Slime                .

                                                               Unpleasant Substance

The last I saw Northrup, he was crying. After the default, he entered the 

consolation round, where he won his first Participation Ribbon, then        lost                   

                                                          Noun                 Past-Tense Verb                   

a heartbreaker in         Valley Forge        , 3-2.  He was done, with no chance

                         Location                

to       Defeat the Commies  .

         Verb

Cavs Lose Jamison for Season

Cue the music to sum up this season for the Cavaliers

As the rich get richer this week with the signing of Troy Murphy to the Boston Celtics, the poor are getting poorer. Like, Antoine Walker poor. Metaphorically, the Cavs may be pissing in McDonald's and sleeping on the sidewalk.

The Lebron-era Cavs once threatened to get into the history books with a Chicago Bulls-esque run of championships, and now they're in the history books for a much different reason: a record 26 game losing streak. Oh, but the suffering doesn't stop there.

Perhaps the only player on the Cavs worth keeping, Antawn Jamison has gone under the knife to fix his broken pinky and will be lost for the rest of the season.

The once championship-contending, now laughable Cavs have to ready themselves to play the San Antonio Spurs.

That's the 49-10 Spurs vs. the 11-48 Cavs without their best player.

I know I'll be watching.

David vs. Goliath? No. This is like David's little sister vs. Goliath.

BREAKING NEWS: Lebron traded to Cavs

Just kidding.

That'd be about the most surprising trade I could possibly think of. Though, today's Deron Williams to the Nets deal is nearly as surprising. No one saw this coming.

Nets get: Deron Williams
Jazz get: Derrick Favors, Devin Harris, 2 1st round picks

The Nets, a team completely out of the playoff picture, trade to get a superstar player in Williams while giving away current young talent and future young talent with the two first round draft picks.

The Jazz, a team in the thick of the Western playoff race (if the season ended today, they would be the 8 seed), trade away their most valuable player, seriously downgrade at the point guard position, acquire the raw hot-headed Derrick Favors who will certainly require a few years before he can be any good and 2 draft picks.

This trade goes against the logical trend of trades where the currently good players get traded to playoff teams and the promising young talent gets traded to the teams out of contention. From it's outward appearance, it seems like this deal could've waited for next year when the Nets can start over with a fresh record and the Jazz aren't in the middle of the playoff race.

For the Nets, it doesn't particularly matter whether or not they acquire Williams for this season or next season, because this season has already fallen victim to a 17-40 record. Any hopes for salvaging a birth into the playoffs has been lost.

However, for the Jazz, it is almost unthinkable that a team would trade away it's best player in the heat of a playoff race. Until, of course, you think about the circumstances.

Deron Williams has a contract that expires after next season. Someone within the Jazz organization must've sensed that Williams was not going to resign after next season. They certainly didn't want a Melo drama like the Nuggets suffered through this year. This was a preemptive strike by the Jazz.

With this trade, the Jazz are going to get worse, but perhaps the trade will payoff a couple of years from now if Favors develops and Harris gets back to playing at the all-star level. The new draft picks will help reinforce the depth of their roster even further into the future.

The Nets are building a team that people might actually want to go see, a stark contrast from the Nets teams of the past few years.

Overall, this trade will pay dividends to both teams. It's just a matter of the time frame in which these teams see those dividends. The Nets are looking to see them now. The Jazz are now looking to reshape their roster for a couple of years from now.