Fantasy Fill-in

     With an NFL lockout next season turning out to be a scary possibility, it’s time that we start preparing a back-up plan for the demographic that has the most to lose: Fantasy Football players. As any dedicated fantasy player will tell you, going an entire season without gambling money and pride on a fortune-telling venture is unimaginable. For years we have channeled our bottled-up male aggression into athletes who play violent sports. We can’t just stop now. There would be riots in the streets. (And not the good kind, like celebrating a championship, or looting the royal castle.) So if the owners and players can’t find some way to adequately divide the profits of the most lucrative league in the nation by next fall, then we’re going to need a new population to follow religiously.

1. Fantasy Legislature

    Imagine a fantasy draft with all the characters in the U.S. Legislature. If you think NFL receivers have eccentric egos, then you’ve never been to a district 29 taxpayer funded inauguration party. This band of 535 public servants is both diverse and rich. (By diverse I mean, from all 50 states. And by rich I mean….rich.) Football players simply can’t keep up with all the excitement of the nation’s legislatures. Forget 200 yard games, one-handed grabs, and impossible comebacks. We’re talking about top dollar prostitutes, illegitimate children, and unthinkable flip-flops.

Roster:
- Two Senators per team (max)
- Two Tea Party members per team (min)
- No bench players. We’re at war

The format for points is going to be a little different. Here’s an example:

Congressman

Representative of Nebraska 1st District:

Jeff Fortenberry (Rep)

        Week 7 Stats                  Week 7 Points
Dollars Raised: $4,375                       4
Bills Filibustered: 1                            15
Babies Kissed: 3                                12
Committees Appointed to: 1              10
Sex Scandals: 0                                 -4

2. Fantasy Talk Show Hosting
This is another exciting league possibility. The playing field here is smaller, so draft wisely. You’ll have your choice of white guys or older whiter guys. Talk show hosts are fascinating not only for their comedic talent and glowing personalities, but also because they give us the feeling that we too could do their jobs. Each day in this world is full of enthralling men and women from all corners of the human endeavor like actors, authors, athletes, and actors. Get ready to dominate your office league with unrelenting witty takes on current events.

Roster:
- One major network host
- One cable network host
- One foreign network host

Example:

Host

Jimmy Fallon

Week 4 Stats                                                               Week 4 Points
Monologue Laughs: 13                                                       13
Strange Announcer/Sidekick Laughs: 3                                6
Band Member Laughs: 8                                                      0
Celebrity Impressions: 2                                                      10
Audience Member Shout Outs: 1                                        15
Prop Failures: 3                                                                   -9

Credit: Scott Gantner