Jay Cutler and Classifying Bears Fans

Let me start this article with a word exercise. I'll say something, and then you think of what comes to your mind first.

God...

Health Care...

Jay Cutler...

Alternative Energy...


The thing is, most people had already made up their minds on all of these things prior to Sunday. I could've cooked Jesus into my pancake on Sunday, but that would not have made me convert to Christianity. I think most Bears fans who have already decided that they just don't like Jay Cutler could've seen Jay win the game yesterday playing on an injured knee and still dislike him if he made any mistakes later (which quarterbacks are bound to do), say, in the super bowl. There are fans that just don't like him- maybe it's just his face?

What I've noticed from the many Bears fans that I know from my time living in Chicago is that there are two groups of fans in Chicago.

The happy-go-lucky fans are glad that Cutler took the team this far and they don't blame him for the loss. They like Cutler for his aggressive gunslinger mentality and think he's a decent enough quarterback. They are disappointed that the Bears lost, but these fans are moving on, counting down the days until pitchers and catchers report for spring training and the Cubs win the World Series. "This is the year," they say.

Then, there is the angry Bears fan with a vendetta for Jay Cutler. This Bears fan feels the need to blame someone for the loss, because he can't simply admit that the Packers were the better team-- that would be the grownup thing to do. This fan is no grownup. This fan thinks Jay Cutler gave up. Yes, his knee was banged up, but this fan thinks a real football player plays through this injury. This fan thinks he has a right to see the Bears in the Super Bowl, and Cutler took that away from him. This fan has seen Jay Cutler answer questions to the media-- the evasiveness, the lack of eye contact, the condescending answers. This fan thinks athletes need to be likable figures, and Jay Cutler is not that. "This was the year," they say, "but Jay Cutler blew it."

Look, the thing about Cutler is that I don't know him, and neither does random Bears fan. He seems to be an evasive guy with a bad personality, but the only reason I have for saying that are his press conferences and what I've heard from other media members. The media hates this guy. Rick Reilly wrote 2 weeks ago, "For a man from Santa Claus, Ind., Jay Cutler is one of the least jolly people you've ever met." But I don't know anything about Jay Cutler. For all I know, he's a guy who's very nice to the people around him and happens not to care what people he doesn't know think of him. The point is that I don't know, and the impulsive Jay Cutler slander needs to stop.

He got hurt. He couldn't play. The Bears had statue-quarterback Todd Collins (SIDE NOTE: I'm inventing a drink called the Todd Collins. It's exactly like a Tom Collins except that the bartender glues it to the bar so it can't move) playing backup. That didn't work out. They brought in Caleb Hanie who did a respectable job, except for losing sight of B.J. Raji in coverage, which is sort of like losing sight of a bowling ball in a vat of marbles.

So, Mr. angry Bears fan, take a deep breath before you call for Caleb Hanie to start at quarterback next year. Cutler's an above-average quarterback that took the Bears back to relevance this year.

Instead of Cutler-slandering, maybe you should just have a drink to the large step forward the Bears took this year. Todd Collins' for everyone! You'll have to come over here though because its glued to the counter.

Exposing the Lies of College Basketball

Recently, I was looking through the ESPN men's basketball standings page to see each team's record all on the same page. I was startled at what I found.

Perhaps, you're aware that Texas Christian University will be joining the Big East Conference due to their football success. This was the first time I had become aware of the geographical joke that conferences are becoming. Basketball, however, is giving me a whole new perspective on how widespread the issue is. Seeing the teams in these conferences makes me think perhaps we should scrap geographical descriptions for conferences in favor of different adjectives. All teams are welcome in the Superawesome conference. The B1G 10 and Big XII have the idea, but why doesn't someone top them. I would go play for a school in the Massive 10. The chief culprit of these geographical lies is the Great West.

As a conference name, Great West really is one of the better conference names in college basketball. "Great" is obviously better than "Big," which only describes the size of a conference. However, in most cases, "Big" conferences are no bigger than other conferences. In this way, The Great West easily has the Big West one-upped. The name is only beaten by Conference USA, because AMERICA. The USA is better than great. One must delve a little to deeper to see why the Great West is full of liars and cheaters.

I think I got the wrong logo

There, that's better

The following are the basketball schools in the Great West: Utah Valley (well, ok, that's sort of west...it's in the west half of the country), South Dakota (okay, they're pushing it. and there is nothing great about South Dakota), North Dakota (well, if they included South Dakota, they might as well go one state north too), Texas Pan-American (okay, they're all over the place here, but still, it's the Western half), Chicago State (umm...it's....uhh...in the mid-west, right?),  Houston Baptist (ok, now they're just making up schools), New Jersey Institute of Technology (......are you shitting me?)

At Sportswritten, we take things to the next level. I was dissatisfied with being lied to. I went straight to the source. I'll translate.

The Great West Conference is made up of 10 intercollegiate institutions that range geographically from New Jersey to Texas to California.

The  Great West is made up of 10 schools that couldn't find a different conference that wanted them to join.

The 10 member schools are spread out over seven states and four time zones, giving each school added exposure - both in terms of media and recruiting - in new destinations.

These schools are spread apart, making traveling for conference games more expensive than the schools' average athletic budget of $17.42

The conference affiliation also generates much interest within the 10 institutions' substantial alumni base.

The guy who moved away from New Jersey Institute of Technology after college because he hated it can now see his terrible past follow him to Utah, Texas, or wherever else he may try to escape

The conference, which began as a football-only league

It was flag football

Joining the league on July 10, 2008 were Houston Baptist University, New Jersey Institute of Technology, University of North Dakota, University of South Dakota, Texas-Pan American and Utah Valley University. Chicago State accepted the league's invitation to join in October, 2008.   These seven schools joined football only members Cal Poly, UC Davis and Southern Utah University to make up the 10-member league. 

The conference only had 3 teams at one point. We still called it a conference even though a more accurate term would have been "club." Like a book club, the conference was a football club.

Conference competition began on Sept. 4, 2004 with UC Davis scoring a 52-0 win over South Dakota State and Northern Colorado notching a 15-13 win over North Dakota State.

South Dakota State really sucks.

 The Great West Conference recognizes student-athletes on both a weekly and full-season basis. Individual awards include Players of the Week; All-Conference teams; an Academic All-Conference team; and Player, Newcomer and Coach of the Year awards. The league also crowns team champions for both regular season and post-season competition. 

It's like youth soccer, everyone gets a trophy.

When ESPN 30 for 30 does a piece on this travesty, I want you to remember where you heard it first.

Damn, it Feels Good to be a Shurna

For those who have yet watch a Northwestern basketball game, you are missing out. John Shurna and company has the Wildcats out to a 12-5 start, staring at the possibility of making the NCAA tournament for the first time in school history. Michael "Juice" Thompson, Luka Mirkovic, and Shurna have formed an unstoppable trio of athleticism spawning the now famous phrase, "takin' my talents to E-town." E-town, of course, referring to the basketball mecca of Evanston, IL, home of the Northwestern Wildcats. I had a chance to sit down with this dynamic group of athletes.

Me: John, I want to start with you. What is being a Northwestern Wildcat like?

Yo maan, bein' a Wildcat is some dope-ass shit. We got duh hottest chicks dis side uh Harvad. Errabody be rollin down duh street in dem lamboginis.

Me: Right, now Luka, how have you flourished in the Princeton-style offense that Northwestern runs?


ME LUKA EAT FISH FOOD (proceeds to eat fish food)


Luka hasn't really familiarized himself with American culture yet. Plus, he never went to school in Serbia. He just recently learned his name.

Me: How can he understand such an intricate offense as the one you guys run without any intelligence?
If you watch closely, there's always a coach on the baseline with a can of fish food tied to a string running around directing Luka where to go. He always chases the fish food. Then when someone passes the ball to him, the coach puts the fish food by the basket in an attempt to make Luka put the basketball through the hoop. Luka really likes fish food. I think it's a popular food in Serbia.

Me: Wow, that's a brilliant system. But what stops Luka from running off the court to get the coach with the fish food?
We tell Luka that the purple out of bounds line is lava, and if he steps on it, he will die.

Me: Brilliant. So John, people call your shooting form "unconventional." I personally think it looks like you're trying to change an imaginary dirty diaper on the ball while simultaneously shooting, but it has lead to an unbelievable 55% 3-point shooting percentage. How did you learn to shoot like that?
Son, I just ball. I ball harder than any playa eva balled befoh.

Me: Luka, people have called you the Chris Bosh of the trifecta, What do you think about that?
ME FISH SAUCE?

Me: No, Luka, I compared you to Chris Bosh, not fish sauce.

LUKA WANT FISH SAUCE TO PUT ON FISH FOOD! (throws chairs, bangs chest)

Me: Micheal, some people call you "Juice." Why to they do that?
Well, it started when I came to Northwestern. I came here thinking I would find a bunch of level-headed guys on the basketball team, because Northwestern University is one of the best institutions of higher learning in the country. I found that everyone on the team is batshit insane. Kevin Coble, who recently quit the team, always threw feces at teammates. Alex Marcotullio wears a penguin costume wherever he goes. John Shurna acts like a thug. Everyone has a thing. Apparently, I'm the only sane person to ever choose to play for Northwestern basketball. Then, one day, Luka called me Juice. I think he just wanted juice to rinse the taste of fish food out of his mouth, but the name stuck.

(Shurna takes out his gun)

Me: Shurna, what are you doing!?
Gimme dat wallet in yo pocket

(I give him wallet)
(John Shurna runs away)
I've learned not to carry anything valuable when John's around. He does that every day.

Jets: Love them or Hate them? Love them.

So the Jets are kind of assholes. But as Kanye West has so eloquently pointed out, perhaps we should have a toast to them.

In a world where no one wants to criticize or insult another team in fear of giving them "bulletin board material," there exists a group of men who goes against this culture. There exists a group of men that takes a huge dump on the widely-accepted values of modesty and humility. And I love it.

In New England, it was like the calm before the storm. No one said anything hateful. Each player was fielding questions from the media, "the right way." Wes Welker was even benched for the first series for mentioning feet repeatedly to reporters, a nebulous way of taking a shot at Rex Ryan's wife's foot fetish videos. By suspending Welker for his comments that are nothing in comparison to Cromartie's comments, Belichick's conveys that his team has a modest identity, the way Belichick wants it.

In the rematch of the 45-3 shellacking in New England, the Jets showed in the week before the game that they hate the Patriots. The Patriots quarterback is an asshole and Rex Ryan has a personal vendetta against Bill Belichick.

The Jets speak their mind. They aren't afraid of exuding the mythical "bulletin board material" (I guarantee there is no bulletin board in the Patriots locker room with Rex Ryan quotes on it). They aren't afraid of speaking the truth. While to some observers the Jets appear plainly to be a group of assholes, to me they are just a group of men that are honest. Honest in speech and honest in action. They said what they were thinking before the game, and when they clinched the victory with Shonn Greene's touchdown run with 1:41 remaining, they celebrated how it was natural to celebrate. Shonn Greene slept in the endzone with the ball as his pillow (putting the Patriots to sleep, it's quite a brilliant celebration) while Rex Ryan sprinted full speed (granted Rex Ryan running full speed is akin to Plaxico Burress thinking at full speed) toward the endzone to celebrate with his players. Both of those actions are clear penalties. All the while, Braylon Edward's is running around with his arms out like an airplane. Excessive? yes. Gracious? no. Honest? yes.

It's truly refreshing to see a team that speaks it's mind like the New York Jets. It's even better when they back it up. The Jets level of hate for their rivals is no different than other rivalries. I highly doubt Lovie Smith and Mike McCarthy go out to movies together on the weekends, but I don't think the Bears head coach will display a personal vendetta towards the Packers head coach in the coming week. I would bet Brian Urlacher and Aaron Rodgers aren't playing Madden 11 at Urlacher's place before the game, but I know Urlacher won't call Rodgers an asshole, even if he may think it. The Jets are unique because they have an attitude that they are going to express what they feel, even if what they feel may be controversial.

So you have to love the Jets for their candor and pure entertainment value. Unless you're a Patriots fan. Then, of course, you hate the Jets.

This kind of behavior is not new within the Jets' organization; it's in the their history. Quarterback Joe Namath controversially guaranteed victory over the Baltimore Colts in Super Bowl III. Maybe New York just breeds this say-what's-on-your-mind behavior.

He's just trying to feed his family

The Mirage that was the 2010 Philadelphia Eagles

This year's Philadelphia Eagles were the equivalent of that really hot girl you met that one time. She's obviously hot at first glance; everybody can see that. You start dating her and notice subtle flaws. Maybe she makes a poor sandwich. Whatever, everyone has subtle flaws. Then suddenly you realize she can't cook at all. What a disaster!

Every football fan was infatuated with the Eagles. And they had reason to be. The Eagles had incredibly youthful, energetic, fast skill position players with Desean Jackson, LeSean Mccoy, and Jeremy Maclin. Even their quarterback was one of the fastest players in the league. They had a blitzing, gambling defense. With Asante Samuel at the cornerback position, anything can happen. If an NFL franchise ever opens in Las Vegas, I expect Asante Samuel to be on the first flight out to play for the Las Vegas Highrollers. Dude loves to gamble in coverage. The Eagles have been a blitzing team through Jim Johnson's era as defensive coordinator, and they kept that identity this year.

My mentality on blitzing has always been if you are playing a good quarterback, be more hesitant to blitz. Aaron Rodgers always seemed to have the right play called on third downs, when the Eagles brought their pressure. Donald Driver would run 4 yards, turn around, catch the ball, and fall down. It's as simple and quick as that-- First down Packers. Aaron Rodgers got the ball out fast when the Eagles blitz because he could see it coming. The Packers converted 8-13 first downs, allowing them to possess the ball for 4 minutes longer than the Eagles. The Packers dealt with the Eagles aggressive mentality well, and in the end, it was that mentality that hurt the Eagles.

On offense, we ignored the Eagles problems all year. Vick would run for his life, get away, and turn plays that would normally be sacks with regular statue-esque, stand-and-throw quarterbacks into positive plays. Then all the fans would ooo and ahhh over how great Vick is when really we should've seen the problem with the offensive line. The line just was not good enough to protect Vick. It helps to have a quarterback that can make great plays with his feet when he sees the pressure coming, but what happens when he does not see it coming? We saw this on the first possession of the game when Vick got taken down from his blind side.

The Eagles were a unique team, and people have a tendency to crown (their asses) unique teams because people tend to believe that uniqueness translates to success. Usually, it does initially translate into success until teams start to adjust (See: Wildcat formation 2008). That's what happened to the Eagles. Defensive coordinators watched what Vick and the Eagles offense were capable of doing all year when they were successful, and then the playoffs came and Packers defensive coordinator Dom Capers knew how to stop them. The Packers threw delayed blitzes at the Eagles and confused Vick so he didn't know from which direction the pressure was coming. Vick’s a great quarterback but there are only a few quarterbacks that can run an entire offense through audibles and their own reads, and Vick does not do that. Their demise was even foreshadowed by late season losses to the Cowboys and Vikings that were blown off as meaningless games.

In this way, the Eagles were a mirage. They looked good all year, because of their unique offensive ingenuity and weapons along with their fun to watch aggressive defense. However, all it took was one defensive coordinator to find a way to scheme against their offense and a smart opposing quarterback to find the holes in their aggressive defense and the Eagles were exposed for what they were-- a mirage of unsustainable success.

Dave Brandon's Dynamic List

Sportswritten, through either legal or illegal means, has obtained a copy of Michigan Athletic Director Dave Brandon's "dynamic list" of candidates. and oh, yes, it's dynamic. The following is copied from a piece of scratch paper written by Dave Brandon himself in macaroni & cheese color crayon. It is then written over in red crayon.

My Dynamic List of Candidates

Tier 1- The best of the best

Bill Belichick- numerous super bowls; coaches Tom Brady (note to self: ask if that makes him a Michigan man). DIDN'T RETURN MY PHONE CALLS.


John Harbaugh- Baltimore Ravens head coach, MICHIGAN MAN!!! DIDN'T RETURN PHONE CALLS.


Jim Harbaugh- made Stanford good, MICHIGAN MAN OMG!!! DIDN'T RETURN PHONE CALLS/ He did insult us anyway


Gerald Ford- MICHGAN MAN OMFG!!!!,  former President, MY SECRETARY INFORMED ME HE IS DEAD.


Les Miles- !!!!!!MICHIGAN!!!!!MAN!!!!!!, LSU head football coach. TOLD ME, "ITS WARM HERE" AND HUNG UP.


Bo Shembechler- THE MICHIGAN MAN!!!!, 13 Big Ten Championships, coached in the glory days. DAMN IT! WHY ARE THE BEST ONES DEAD!

Tier 2-I hope it doesn't come to this

Desmond Howard- MICHIGAN MAN, completely unproven coach, provides great breakdowns with Lee Corso and Kirk Herbstreit on College Gameday. DECLINED/ SAID HIS CURRENT JOB IS BETTER- NO PRESSURE OR SOME BULLSHIT LIKE THAT.

Chris Webber- MICHIGAN MAN, would provide better time management than Les Miles. LOCATION CURRENTLY UNKNOWN.

Dave Brandon- hiring myself would ease process, free Domino's Pizza for the team, I'm a Michigan Man by virtue of being the AD.  INTRODUCTORY PRESS CONFERENCE WOULD BE STRANGE.

Tier 3- Dear Lord, help us

Pat Fitzgerald- glorified cheerleader/"Northwestern 'football' coach", more spread offense... CONDITIONALLY ACCEPTED JOB PENDING A CHANGE FROM MAIZE AND BLUE TO MAIZE AND PURPLE. GUY REALLY LIKES PURPLE.

Mike Leach- locks kids in closets, ran an all-passing spread at TTU. STIPULATED A LOGO CHANGE FROM THE BLOCK M TO A PIRATE SHIP

Gary Patterson- coached at some division 3 school in Texas or something, I haven't really researched him yet. DECLINED, APPARENTLY HE THINKS HIS D3 SCHOOL IS BETTER THAN MICHIGAN! WHAT A JOKE!

Chris Petersen- coached at some division 2 team in Idaho. DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET AHOLD OF HIM/ DO THEY HAVE PHONES IN IDAHO?

Tier 4- If literally no one wants the job

Brady Hoke- well, I suppose he is a Michigan Man, having coached here under Lloyd Carr. He's the coach of San Diego State and has went 13-12 in two years there. If we really can't get anyone else, this is our guy.

It looks like Dave Brandon has a phone call to make

Ramblings of a Sick Man

As my loyal readers have noticed, I have not been posting for almost a week. My lethargy and utter inability to think has been due to what doctors call Pneumonia (Pronounced Puh-noh-mee-ahh). Though doctors have failed to validate this, my initial symptoms included only being able to write about the WNBA (Diana Taurusi was a man all along, we've been Juwanna Mann'd), an imaginary friend named OJ (he wore really small gloves), and a penchant for everything parenthetical (I'm definitely not done with the parentheses). Naturally I couldn't post anything on the internet in this condition. However,  we have missed a lot over the last week.

Salute-tations, KSU

We must start with the Kansas State-Syracuse debacle because OMGICALLEDITSOMADARGHHH.  My very first article, the article I could've chosen any topic in the world to write about, I wrote about the travesty that is celebration penalties. I had no idea that I would be sitting here today having seen a player penalized on the most important play of the game for "acknowledging the crowd." Mr. referee is so tough. "Look at my brass balls, I can make a game-killing decision because a kid saluted to crowd." Eventually, a player will wave to his mother in the stands and he will be flagged 15 yards. The referee will explain, "the player waved to a member of the crowd, thus acknowledging her." I've said all I can say about this in the initial article. Let's hope this prompts the NCAA, but mostly the NFL, to change these rules.

Let's see what ESPNW has to say about this

Brett Favre's like a teenage girl in some ways: they have a camera phone and they use them in pretty much the same way. Brett Favre got NAILED with a $50, 000 fine from Roger Goodell for failing to cooperate with the investigation of his illicit pictures dick pics (I can say that on here, One of the many advantages of not writing for ESPN). The league could not support a harsher punishment, because they could not prove that Favre violated the league's personal conduct policy. Perhaps, the penis didn't have a Wrangler Jeans sleeve on it, so it was tough to believe it was Brett's.

Regardless, people, especially women, have been losing their heads over how Favre got off easy. I know it's tough being a women in the sports business and Sterger, if the reports were true, was undoubtedly put into a tough situation by Favre. The bottomline is, however, that we just don't know what happened between the two. It's impossible. Goodell's been nothing if not a strong disciplinarian in his tenure and if he had found wrongdoing he would have acted accordingly.

FInally, to round out my sports thoughts on the past week I present my opinions in ten words or less:

-New Years hockey > New Years Fiesta Bowl

- Oklahoma...Not on next year's bandwagon. Overrated 2011

-Blaine Gabbert...so good, so accurate, scouts love--HUGE PICK!

-Overrated: Big Ten's bowl losses; Underrated: Big 12's Bowl losses

-We all saw that Michigan State thrashing coming

-Every announcer this year, "RichRod is a smart football coach."

-TCU Linebacker has too many armbands.

This is all for today. I'm going back to rest my lungs which are breathing hot death bursts. I'll most likely get back to coherent, concentrated, sensical articles within a week.